A few Memories...

The other day I was going thru a few drawers of old stuff and came across several of my ultrasound pics of Sam.  I have one from the very first ultrasound, around 7 weeks when we heard his heartbeat for the first time. He looked more like a bunny rabbit at 1 cm in length, but I will never forget the beautiful sound of his heartbeat at 150/beats per minute. Is is crazy that I remember everything from that day? I remember leaving the house to go to the appointment, I even remember exactly what I was wearing (Perry, too!) It is strange how your brain remembers specific things surrounding big moments in your life. Also I  have those jeans I was wearing that day, and they still do not fit... ;)

               Its a picture of a picture, because we don't have a scanner. But, this is Sammy at 7 weeks. 

The next set of ultrasound pics are from 10 weeks 6 days GA. I assume this was my next drs appt. Based on what the picture says little Sam was 4 cm long at this point. He looks much more like a baby in those pictures. You can make out a little leg and a foot, too. There is something special about the 11 week pictures that I never really told anyone before. After my first doctors appointment, after hearing Sam's heartbeat for the first time, I began to get really scared that I would miscarry and have no idea. I was terrified that my baby wouldn't be alive in there anymore, and I would have no idea. Obviously I wasn't feeling any movement from the baby at that time, so that made it worse. I was almost convinced that I had dreamed I was pregnant, and that at my next doctors appointment they wouldn't be able to find Sam's sweet heartbeat. This fear consumed me. I was always thinking about it, always wondering if something had gone wrong. I know that a little part of me deep down was convinced in some way that because being a mother was all I had ever wanted to be, it wouldn't work out.

Well 4 weeks goes by and we have our next doctors appointment. And we heard that heartbeat. That beautiful sound. Our doctor tells us that he wants to take another look at the baby. I know that that's not usually what they do, because normally you just have the initial ultrasound and the gender ultrasound at 19 weeks. I also know that is not normal bc a few weeks later I was billed with the ultrasound cost. Haha. But seriously, I was supposed to have that ultrasound. We go in the dark room, squirt the cold jell on my not yet showing bump and take a look. Everything looks great, look his hands! His foot! All was perfect and I had a few new pictures to show off. As I'm looking at the pics of this baby inside me, I can't help but notice that it looks like a hand is holding my baby. It looks exactly like a big man hand is holding my baby around his bottom, just like he is cradled in this big man hand. True story. Now, I am not one to be eerie and ghosty and stuff like that, but I know that I know that I know that my Man upstairs was just sending me a little message. He was saying to me "Hey Grace, you might think differently, but I am right here. I am protecting you and this precious little baby that I created inside of you. Do not be afraid. I am holding him in My hands. So, stop your  worrying. Because I am here, even when your ignoring Me. And I will protect you, because you are mine." Pretty cool, huh? I never really told anybody that, just because ya know I know its a little crazy, but also because it was just something between me and Jesus. A little something for me to hide in my heart. But here is the picture, tell me if you can see the hand.....

                                   Underneath his little bottom, with the thumb around his leg. I know it is hard to see the details because these pictures are not very good. 


I so wish that I had been better about taking pictures of my stomach as it was growing, and I wish I had kept a journal during my pregnancy so I would better remember what it was like. The more time that goes by, the less and less I am able to remember about being pregnant, and life with a newborn. I remember the very first time I felt a little fluttering movement in my stomach. I was standing at the computer at work, putting in an order. I remember when we found out that we were having a boy. When I pulled Sam out of myself and onto my stomach, that moment is forever etched into my brain. It likes time stops, and the only people I knew in the room were me and Sam. I didn't cry, he didn't cry. Time stopped that first time our eyes met. I remember looking around the spinning room, at the tears in Perry's eyes, at the nurses wiping by baby. It was the most intimate time of my life, in a room full of strangers.

These memories I have, they are sweet salve when my heart is hurting. They make a bad day better. They help to remind that when I'm up all night with a restless toddler, it is so worth it. This is what I am supposed to be doing. It is never not always easy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Each time I get a tad bit jealous of other ladies my age with perfect small waits and perky boobs, I think to myself You Made A Baby, sister. You Carried Life and Nourished Life and wider hips are better anyway!  Memories they take you back when necessary and they also have a way of pushing you forward. I like that about them.  What are some of your favorite memories of your pregnancy, or little ones, or just life? Here are a few more pics of Sam when he was little. :)

                                                                     36ish weeks

                                                                       A few hours old

                                                                    almost 5 months old

                                                                        9 months old

                                                                            First birthday

On life

It has been a year since the last time I made a blog post! Sorry about that folks. It was quite a crazy year, to say the least. Mostly because my baby turned into a little boy right before my eyes. How did that happen? How did I get to be the mother of a 2 1/2 year old?!? I still ask myself that often. I don't know if its like this for all moms, but life before these most recent moments seems like a blur. Its like snuggles with Sam; you catch them for one sweet, perfect, still moment and then they are gone.

So, it is hard for me to go back over the last year and tell you all about the things that happened. Things like birthday parties, Christmas, park dates, hair cuts, learning numbers, letters, and MANNERS. There were road trips to see cousins, trips to the movies, and trips to the BIG BOY potty. Everything this past year was different from the one before. New favorite books, favorite toys, new fascinations and new learning curves. I love that part about life, especially with a growing little human. That part where everything is always changing, always new. Both for Sam, and for me! 

But mostly when I think of what to share about our year, I just think "we made it"! Somehow, some way, every little moment, new discovery, kiss, snuggle, and temper tantrum meddled itself into "last year" and now we are here. Today. We made it. Sometimes I do not believe it, but isn't that how life always turns out? Don't we always look back and think," did that really just happen"?? Well I do, at least.  Anyhow, in the spirit of the new year, although its a little late, I want to share few things that I would like to do in 2012. Mostly these things pertain to myself and not necessarily my parenting ( i.e. read to Sam more) but when I think about it "myself" and my parenting are really one and the same. Does that make since?

It goes something like this...

I want to share more. More of myself. Folks, I am a closed book. Like bound up tight and super glued shut. Oh I can talk all day about Sam and how damn cute and smart and funny and sweet he is. I can tell you what I think of you, your hair, your job, your husband and your dog. In fact, you might think i'm a little outspoken and "bitchy" bc i'm not afraid to do that. The thing is, I prefer to talk about anything BUT me. It has not always been this way. When I was younger I was not afraid to be my true self and to own who I was and communicate. But somewhere between then and now, life happened. Things happened to me and around me and with me and I started to quiet down. I started to believe that who I was wasn't worth anybody's time or attention. I started to let others think what they wanted about me based on what they thought or saw and leave it at that. I let this little big thing called fear stand in my way. I stopped communicating in a good and effective way and starting bottling everything up. And people doing that has ruined more precious things in my life than I care to think about. What I am learning is this; I have a story. It might not be pretty, or happy all the time. It certainly isn't glorious or glittery or perfect. But it is ME. And my story is one of redemption, of grace, of love, of pain, of suffering and of growing. Its a story of LIFE. And this thing called life, we are meant to do it together. So I am climbing out of my cave, and I am determined to live out my life, my story, my Grace, without fear. Will you come along? Maybe there is a girl out there with a story like mine. Maybe she needs to read my honesty and hear that It Will Be Ok. That We Can Do Hard Things. That We Are In This Together.

For my sake at least, and for Sam too, it is time for me to stop living this life lying by omission. That is not living. I am free. Set free from my sins, from my past, from my guilt, free from my shame! Free to live this beautiful life as my Creator intended me to. I am gonna be happy, damnit! :)

more to come  later.... Happy New Year!

A little something for your viewing pleasure. Isn't he CUTE!!!

Date with my Valentine

I couldn't ask for a sweeter Valentine, thats for sure. :) Sam and I had a great time on our date Saturday night. We went to see Gnomeo and Juliet, adorable! Thankfully Sam was free, so I wasn't too upset about leaving early. Although, popcorn was about the same price as his ticket would have been! During the pre-views he wanted to sit in his own seat and hold his own pop corn, it was adorable. We made it thru about half of the movie before he got restless and started to fuss b/c I wouldn't let him walk around and talk to the people sitting next to us. :) I think we will probably wait a few more months and try again. 

We decided to walk to Barnes and Nobles and play with the "choo choo". This is definitely one of Sam's favorite things to do. There were quite a few other kids there, which made me kind of nervous. Sam hasn't quite grasped the concept of personal space yet. He has no problem what-so-ever walking up to other kids and hugging them or touching them on the arm to trying to share their books. We are working on this, LOL, and most mothers don't mind, but you just never know :) It is obvious that he likes the girls, HAHA. He kept following around this one sweet girl with tons of curly black hair. Everywhere she went, he followed. :) I think I might have some trouble down the line with my little man.I am thankful for his sweet and friendly nature. All in all it was a fun day. With me working so much during the week, weekends are extra special for me and my sweet little man. Each day brings a new word, a new discovery, another funny moment, another accomplishment and a new challenge. And everyday I am reminded of what a gift God has given me in Sam. I couldn't love anyone or anything more than him, and I couldn't be more proud to be his mamma.  

First Things First

Well, its about time I suppose. I decided I would create a blog to share life, stories, events and fun going ons with Sam and I. Maybe this will help friends and family keep in touch with us, or maybe it will be my soap box. Most likely a little bit of both. :) I will try to up-date often. Here goes nothin'!