The next set of ultrasound pics are from 10 weeks 6 days GA. I assume this was my next drs appt. Based on what the picture says little Sam was 4 cm long at this point. He looks much more like a baby in those pictures. You can make out a little leg and a foot, too. There is something special about the 11 week pictures that I never really told anyone before. After my first doctors appointment, after hearing Sam's heartbeat for the first time, I began to get really scared that I would miscarry and have no idea. I was terrified that my baby wouldn't be alive in there anymore, and I would have no idea. Obviously I wasn't feeling any movement from the baby at that time, so that made it worse. I was almost convinced that I had dreamed I was pregnant, and that at my next doctors appointment they wouldn't be able to find Sam's sweet heartbeat. This fear consumed me. I was always thinking about it, always wondering if something had gone wrong. I know that a little part of me deep down was convinced in some way that because being a mother was all I had ever wanted to be, it wouldn't work out.
Well 4 weeks goes by and we have our next doctors appointment. And we heard that heartbeat. That beautiful sound. Our doctor tells us that he wants to take another look at the baby. I know that that's not usually what they do, because normally you just have the initial ultrasound and the gender ultrasound at 19 weeks. I also know that is not normal bc a few weeks later I was billed with the ultrasound cost. Haha. But seriously, I was supposed to have that ultrasound. We go in the dark room, squirt the cold jell on my not yet showing bump and take a look. Everything looks great, look his hands! His foot! All was perfect and I had a few new pictures to show off. As I'm looking at the pics of this baby inside me, I can't help but notice that it looks like a hand is holding my baby. It looks exactly like a big man hand is holding my baby around his bottom, just like he is cradled in this big man hand. True story. Now, I am not one to be eerie and ghosty and stuff like that, but I know that I know that I know that my Man upstairs was just sending me a little message. He was saying to me "Hey Grace, you might think differently, but I am right here. I am protecting you and this precious little baby that I created inside of you. Do not be afraid. I am holding him in My hands. So, stop your worrying. Because I am here, even when your ignoring Me. And I will protect you, because you are mine." Pretty cool, huh? I never really told anybody that, just because ya know I know its a little crazy, but also because it was just something between me and Jesus. A little something for me to hide in my heart. But here is the picture, tell me if you can see the hand.....
I so wish that I had been better about taking pictures of my stomach as it was growing, and I wish I had kept a journal during my pregnancy so I would better remember what it was like. The more time that goes by, the less and less I am able to remember about being pregnant, and life with a newborn. I remember the very first time I felt a little fluttering movement in my stomach. I was standing at the computer at work, putting in an order. I remember when we found out that we were having a boy. When I pulled Sam out of myself and onto my stomach, that moment is forever etched into my brain. It likes time stops, and the only people I knew in the room were me and Sam. I didn't cry, he didn't cry. Time stopped that first time our eyes met. I remember looking around the spinning room, at the tears in Perry's eyes, at the nurses wiping by baby. It was the most intimate time of my life, in a room full of strangers.
These memories I have, they are sweet salve when my heart is hurting. They make a bad day better. They help to remind that when I'm up all night with a restless toddler, it is so worth it. This is what I am supposed to be doing. It is
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