On life

It has been a year since the last time I made a blog post! Sorry about that folks. It was quite a crazy year, to say the least. Mostly because my baby turned into a little boy right before my eyes. How did that happen? How did I get to be the mother of a 2 1/2 year old?!? I still ask myself that often. I don't know if its like this for all moms, but life before these most recent moments seems like a blur. Its like snuggles with Sam; you catch them for one sweet, perfect, still moment and then they are gone.

So, it is hard for me to go back over the last year and tell you all about the things that happened. Things like birthday parties, Christmas, park dates, hair cuts, learning numbers, letters, and MANNERS. There were road trips to see cousins, trips to the movies, and trips to the BIG BOY potty. Everything this past year was different from the one before. New favorite books, favorite toys, new fascinations and new learning curves. I love that part about life, especially with a growing little human. That part where everything is always changing, always new. Both for Sam, and for me! 

But mostly when I think of what to share about our year, I just think "we made it"! Somehow, some way, every little moment, new discovery, kiss, snuggle, and temper tantrum meddled itself into "last year" and now we are here. Today. We made it. Sometimes I do not believe it, but isn't that how life always turns out? Don't we always look back and think," did that really just happen"?? Well I do, at least.  Anyhow, in the spirit of the new year, although its a little late, I want to share few things that I would like to do in 2012. Mostly these things pertain to myself and not necessarily my parenting ( i.e. read to Sam more) but when I think about it "myself" and my parenting are really one and the same. Does that make since?

It goes something like this...

I want to share more. More of myself. Folks, I am a closed book. Like bound up tight and super glued shut. Oh I can talk all day about Sam and how damn cute and smart and funny and sweet he is. I can tell you what I think of you, your hair, your job, your husband and your dog. In fact, you might think i'm a little outspoken and "bitchy" bc i'm not afraid to do that. The thing is, I prefer to talk about anything BUT me. It has not always been this way. When I was younger I was not afraid to be my true self and to own who I was and communicate. But somewhere between then and now, life happened. Things happened to me and around me and with me and I started to quiet down. I started to believe that who I was wasn't worth anybody's time or attention. I started to let others think what they wanted about me based on what they thought or saw and leave it at that. I let this little big thing called fear stand in my way. I stopped communicating in a good and effective way and starting bottling everything up. And people doing that has ruined more precious things in my life than I care to think about. What I am learning is this; I have a story. It might not be pretty, or happy all the time. It certainly isn't glorious or glittery or perfect. But it is ME. And my story is one of redemption, of grace, of love, of pain, of suffering and of growing. Its a story of LIFE. And this thing called life, we are meant to do it together. So I am climbing out of my cave, and I am determined to live out my life, my story, my Grace, without fear. Will you come along? Maybe there is a girl out there with a story like mine. Maybe she needs to read my honesty and hear that It Will Be Ok. That We Can Do Hard Things. That We Are In This Together.

For my sake at least, and for Sam too, it is time for me to stop living this life lying by omission. That is not living. I am free. Set free from my sins, from my past, from my guilt, free from my shame! Free to live this beautiful life as my Creator intended me to. I am gonna be happy, damnit! :)

more to come  later.... Happy New Year!

A little something for your viewing pleasure. Isn't he CUTE!!!